The Mechanic

The subways in NYC are an interesting place.  Rats, trash, homeless guys…there’s something for everybody.  The longer I’m in NYC the more I find myself thinking, public transportation really sucks.  I mean, really sucks.  A little story from my travels this morning to illustrate this point.

I like to walk Emily to work in the morning, which is up in the Bronx.  Not the sketchiest place in the whole world, but I always feel better knowing there’s a strong hulk of a man such as myself there just in case.  We take the D to 167th, and then I turn right back around to come home.  We like to call the D “The Deuce” because we’ve heard stories on two separate occasions of people finding poop on the train.  Now 167th is a run of the mill station that makes you feel like you would rather be anywhere but at 167th.  On this particular morning a man approached me looking for some conversation…

DUDE: Hey, what did you think of that move The Mechanic”?

MY THOUGHTS: Weird way to start up a conversation, but whatever.  I have really zero desire to see that particular film.

ME: Yeah man, looked pretty good.

DUDE: Yeah it was awesome.  Guy took this n*##@! and threw him in front of the bus like…[act out guy throwing other guy in front of a bus].  Gosh that was sweet.

MY THOUGHTS: Wow, that’s like the scariest thing you could tell me as we wait for a 200 ton piece of steel to come hurtling down the tracks to pick us up.

ME: Yeah, awesome.

DUDE: Yeah it has that Jason Statham guy …

MY THOUGHTS: I can’t stand him.

DUDE: … who is pretty sweet.

ME: Yeah.

DUDE: Yeah I have the movie on me.

MY THOUGHTS: WHA?!

DUDE: [walking towards me unzipping his jacket and reaching into one of the inside pockets to show me a knock off of the movie that I’m sure he purchased illegally seeing as how it just got to theaters like last week]  See I got it right here.

MY THOUGHTS: Dude, the easiest way to scare a white boy from Oklahoma on the subway is to walk towards him opening your coat and saying, “I got it right here.”  God, I don’t ask for much but if you could bring The Deuce by the 167th in the very near future…

30 seconds later, prayers answered. Gotta love the subways!

Housekeeping

A lot has happened since my last blog!  So…

Shout out to Emoly West for coming in 4th in the Miss USA competition.  Word has it that she won the swimsuit competition?!  I want everyone to know that I saw Emoly in a one piece in 2006.  I know, I’m awesome.

I am now an employee at BlackRock effective Feb. 22!!

Tonight I’m going to Beer, Bourbon, and BBQ (live Bluegrass included) with one Beautiful Babe.  Happy Belated Birthday to me!

That is all, everyone enjoy the weekend!

Thoughts on an Airplane

I’m back!!!  *Crickets*.  Yeah, I know nobody cares, but since I have a world of free time I figured I would throw out a couple of posts.  Why not?

One of my favorite things to do is fly.  I love it.  My opinion will probably change once I get molested by the TSA, but for right now I love it.  So to celebrate this fact, I bring you some of the highs and lows of my flying adventures.

Best Airport:

DFW.  I’m a big fan of symmetry and having lots of food choices.  Does anything else really matter in an airport?

Easiest Check-In:

Tie between MLB (Melbourne, FL) and OKC.  Basically you wave at your cousin Phil and walk on the plane.  Between the two I think the longest it’s ever taken me to check in and get through security was 15 seconds.

Worst Airline:

China Eastern.  Yes my friends, China EASTERN.  Listen, I’ve been on some rocky flights, and then there is China Eastern.  I’m pretty sure that after a successful landing, every pilot involved gets promoted to Air Kazakhstan. 

Coolest Flight:

Fiji – Hawaii.  First of all, just the fact that you are starting in Fiji and ending in Hawaii is pretty bomb.  Add in the fact that there was a temporary stop on Christmas Island, and this takes the cake.  Let me tell you about Christmas Island.  If you look up Christmas Island on a map you will notice that there are three things on the island besides the airport:  a phosphate quarry, a detention center, and the Shrine of Christmas Island.  The airport is a runway and a metal hut type building manned by about three Samoan looking guys wearing flip flops, swim trunks, and orange vests, and nothing else.  It was awesome.

Scariest Landing:

Tie between LGA coming in over Queens and Tegucigalpa, Honduras no matter what direction you are landing from.

Thoughts, opinions?  Tell me yours or ask and I’ll tell you some more of mine!

Miss Oklahoma

It’s been quite a while since I posted, but I figured this was worth the effort!  Besides, this is probably my one and only chance to say that “I personally know Miss Oklahoma.” 

For those of you who don’t know, Emoly West is the new Miss Oklahoma.  Now, I might be just one of her 1,534 Facebook friends, but more importantly I’m one of only 25(ish) other people who spent an entire semester with her oversees in the fall of 2006.  Here is the proof!  Yes, those were the best pics I could find online.  To be honest, I don’t know her that well and really don’t think she likes me that much, but that’s beside the point!  I got to thinking the other day, what if someone called me up and was like, ""Leighton.  You’re one of Emoly’s ‘closest’ friends, what can you tell us about her?”  Here is what I would say…

I have two Emoly West stories, which are basically the sum total of our Pac Rim 2006 contacts.  The first one happened in China.  It was a Sunday and we were slated for about 23 hours of straight Chinese church.  I’m a HUGE fan of going to church in other countries and getting that experience because I think it’s very eye opening, but this was the day from Hell.  First of all (Oh yeah, this story has very little to do with Emoly West), I woke up that day with nausea, a migraine the size of Mongolia, and what doctors refer to as…Diarrhea.  Now.  You could compose a list – if you wanted to – of the top 10 places you don’t want to have the runs and Beijing China 2006 would be right up there with Sahara Desert, West Kansas, and Times Square.  The afternoon ended in a damp dark closet type room in a grocery store with me hovering over a hole in the ground praying no one opened the door and exposed me to the whole dried bird meat section.  But before I got there, I was in a one room church in the middle of a hospital trying to stay awake and fight off migraines.  A couple of other guys around me were talking about some episode of the Simpsons or maybe Family Guy where the basis of the show was how much better it was to be a guy than a girl.  I was laughing along with some jokes, but most of my concentration was elsewhere.  Enter Emoly West.  She heard the joking (we’re talking lame George Costanza type joking here) and decided to come and tell the group of us that we, and I quote, “were not real men.  Real men don’t joke like that” and something else about us not deserving women in our lives.  Needless to say, it was a running joke the rest of the trip. 

Our second run in was in New Zealand.  We were road tripping across the southern island in three old church vans with about 30 of us.  No trailer for our bags, no 7th grader that takes up 3 square inches with his 52 lbs frame.  If it was not the most beautiful country on the planet, it would have been miserable.  Anyway, we stopped at a gas station to get some drinks and snacks and fuel and Emoly bought a granola bar.  I opened it without her knowing and took a fairly large sized bite and then claimed to know absolutely nothing but my name when questioned.  At the time for various reasons I thought it was pretty humorous, but looking back I probably would have forgiven her if she had pulled me out of the van and cleaned my clock. 

Hope that answers your questions.  Congrats to Miss Oklahoma, Emoly West!

Oklahoma. Isn’t that where…

So it’s not quite Newcastle OR New York, but it’s certainly new.  I’m now in sunny/humid/hot/”Am I the only person even thinking about moving fast?” Melbourne Florida.  I’m here to work for Northrop Grumman as soon as I get my security clearance, but who really knows when that will happen?!  In the mean time, I might as well blog so I can keep up with Emily.
In the last few months I’ve been kind of stunned at what people think of Oklahoma who have never really been there.  If you’re getting ready to head out of Oklahoma, be prepared to hear a few of the following perceptions.

1. Indians.  I can almost forgive this.  I mean, you take a few history classes in high school and you get that impression.  Some take it to the next step and start asking if you’ve slept in a tee-pee.  My recommendation at this point is to either lead them on to believe that you hunt buffalo for a living or stare at them in silence until they feel ashamed enough to just walk away. 
2. Cowboys.  My building superintendent in NYC is convinced that I’m a cowboy.  I’ve tried telling him that my parents don’t own a horse and he is having none of it.  He’s just knows that one day he’s going to see me going out in my cowboy boots.  When he’s not asking me about horses, he’s usually lamenting the fact that he still can’t forgive Bruce Dern for shooting John Wayne in the back, and probably never will.
3. OKC Bombing.  I’ve been shocked by how often I’ve had this exchange.  “I’m from Oklahoma.”  “Oh, that’s where they had the bombing.”  I always knew it was a big deal, I just never realized how much it resonated with the rest of the country.
4. Sooners.  “You’re from Oklahoma?  What the heck is a Sooner?!”  “Well, during the land run….”  “Wait, so you’re team is named after cheaters?!”  “Well, yeah, but…”
5. Hick Republican.  I’ve decided that Oklahoma is tied with Utah for #3 on the liberal hate list right behind Texas and South Carolina.  This one is probably the most annoying.  You will tell people you’re from Oklahoma and you can instantly see that “Oh….so you hate gays, women, and Mexicans” look in their eyes regardless of your actual beliefs/opinions.  Word of advice, there is no talking to people who think like that or any use in convincing them otherwise, just move on to someone more intelligent.
6. No Trees.  This is a new one for me as of yesterday and my inspiration for the post.  Told the guy at the Hertz rental car place that I was from Oklahoma.  He smiled and said to me straight faced, “Not a lot of trees in Oklahoma.  I know some places have them, but most of it is just nothing.”

Good luck Oklahomans, there’s apparently a lot to overcome!