Wednesday, September 16, 2009


No one likes recycling. If you do, there is something terribly wrong with you. I would compare recycling to snow. You think it is going to be cool all year. "Wow, snow!" And when it starts snowing for the first time every year, it's great. Then you're snowed in, the electricity goes out, you're feet are frozen solid from the slush you're walking through, and your girlfriend hates you for no reason other than it's cold outside. Same with recycling. "Wow, save the planet." Then you're sorting into 20 trash cans, carrying trash to other trash cans 5 times a day, dodging cockroaches in the basement, and clogging up space in your apartment with 2 liter bottles.

    Of course, recycling happens to be the law here in greater NYC. Given my Christian background, I feel compelled to follow the letter of the law. However, I hate recycling. So the question really becomes, "How can I avoid both recycling AND feeling guilty for not doing so?" Well my friends, I have found the answer!

    Step 1: Get one trash can and only one trash can. This makes the whole recycling process more difficult, leading to you being more bitter (apparently it's "bitterer" but how dumb is that?) about recycling, which leads to less guilt for not doing it.

    Step 2: Throw all trash that CAN be recycled into the trash can.

    Step 3: Cook yourself dinner. Be sure to cook way too much of something that just can't be used for leftovers.

    Step 4: Dump the leftover food on top of the recyclable goods.

    PRESTO! New York City can't possibly be upset that you didn't dig through your leftover chili just so you could recycle one stupid Diet DP can?! Of course not! Guilt eliminated.

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